Monday, September 2, 2013



I'm not getting with the program when it comes to writing as consistently as I'd like. I mean, there's part of me that cares, then there's a part that doesn't.

A lot has gone on this last year that I'd love to ...well, love isn't the term I should use...but I'd talk about, but I don't. Some days I'm ok, some I'm not. It's safer just to keep it all locked up. 

I've been fighting depression for a while now. I haven't hid that from anyone who knows me well enough. Some days I'll feel like I'm dancing on top of the world, while others, I feel like I can't pull out of the darkness. I have so much going for me in my life, but still, I feel hollow on the inside. There's only so much smiling I can do to cover up the numbness, ya know? 

Regardless of all the projects I distract myself with, the amazing people I have surrounding me, the gorgeous places I've visited throughout my life.. I feel numb. I can't explain it. I'm just...numb to everything. 

I feel numb. I feel alone. I feel nothingness. 

This post isn't some sort of lame way for asking for help, seeking attention or anything else along the lines of being dramatic. I just need to get these thoughts out of my head. Seems like my main outlet for expressing myself without people cutting me off in mid sentence is to actually write or create things. I mean, how can you interrupt someones scripture, right? 

Hugs don't make me feel better. Telling me, "It's ok, you have nothing to worry about" doesn't help. This is just how I'm functioning right now. Smile and move on. I always have another day to live, right? Right. I've been told that I'm pretty easy to read. That makes me chuckle. You learn how to adapt throughout your life... at my age, I'm getting the hang of it. 

Just smile & nod. It's all good.