Monday, March 13, 2017

So gritty.

Overtime, I've have been asked by friends to describe my depression since they've been fortunate enough not to experience something like *this*. Plus, I've been battling this for some time...even before my Fathers passing. Years, in fact. The scene with Dormammu in Marvels Dr. Strange summed up, really well to be honest, the FEELING of dark sorrow that depression casts over me. For me, it's this entity that doesn't let go regardless of my efforts because it's so massive and overpowering. Even if it's not right in front of my face, I know it's *there* and attempt to manage it as best as I can to keep it at bay.

It kicks your ass over and over again.

Lemme say though, I am incredibly grateful for those friends who have taken the time to put themselves in my shoes & try to get a better understanding rather than saying "That sucks" once exposed to some of the layers that fuel the depression. Well, yes. Thank you for stating the obvious and that certain things DO suck, lol, but it is what it is and I have to move forward. Splash some anxiety into that chaos and you've got yourself one hell of an Erika on your hands. 

When the anxiety decides it's time to show up, it's perfume is so intoxicating that it makes you scared of everything you can't control / can't fix. What if this? What if that? What if I didn't bring the right papers? What if I forget blah blah blah. What if what if what if..aghhh it's maddening. What if I say the wrong thing? What if I'm not funny? This is the shit that ricochets around my brain! Stupid, right? The minute I'm able to click my seatbelt, engage my Xterra and actually drive away...lemme tell you, the party in my head is bangin'. I'm talking like an epic Belgian summer party (some might get that reference). 

Surly I've seen a doctor. Yup, in fact all they did was throw pills at me, even adjusting the dosages and brands. After several changes in Rx's, I stopped taking them because they made me wanna take headers off of bridges or drive my car as fast as I can into a tree regardless of what I did. Knives would rationalize why it's best if I was gone so I wasn't such a fuck-up and a burden to others. *GASP!* But I have such an amazing husband?! I love my son?!  And my fur babies?! YES, YES, A MILLION TIMES YES. Depression is SINISTER and DOES NOT care who you love. What? Surprised I actually admitted to wanting to kill myself? Or, questioning whether if I've actually tried? I'd rather be blunt and honest than pussy foot when it comes to me, where my mental standing is, and frankly...I'm a fucking human being with limits. Currently, nothing in my life is worth leaving this world for although it's like there's this little gremlin that won't let go and it keeps whacking me because I drudge on. Time is making it weaker, so as long as I keep working on it, it'll eventually give up.

Am I suicidal? NO. Depressed? Yes. Anxious? Yes. Wanna die? Nope. Looking for some cemetery real estate? NOPE. I'm just making that crystal clear for those who are reading this; this is about as black and white as it gets. My husband is so very aware of everything related to my physical, mental and emotional health that doctors are impressed. It weighs on me heavily as to how helpless he feels because he can't "fix" me, but he knows how much I value his love, patience as well as support while remembering this has nothing to do with him or how he makes me feel. He, nor my son have triggered this thing. Again, crystal clear. 

I tell jokes! I giggle a lot. I laugh. Smile. I love telling funny stories from my day. Am I faking all of that?? The majority of the time, no. Are there some times where I have to slap that shit on to make it through another day? You betcha. All the tricks of the trade to mask some stuff I REALLY don't want to talk about. It's not being fake per say, but more so that people stop worrying that they'll hear about me on the news whether it's because I snapped and went ape shit in a public place or just gave up on life. I can say that 95% of the time, my laughs  are genuine so don't think otherwise after reading this post. 

This post is in correlation to what I'm currently going through in my life. Again, I've been approached by friends previously and felt this would be a good platform since recent events have stirred up issues. I obviously took a hiatus from my blog for almost three years because of, depression, Albuquerque "friends", health issues, depression, depression, depression...  and the ironic thing is that work was the main offender between dishonest dealings by one asshole then constant mental abuse from another. I went to work in order to curb feeling like this, haha, then managed landing back to back employers who were horrible assholes. SO. I'm hoping this upswing I'm trying to get going sticks around since I really, really need it due to losing my Father (that's for another time/post). I just hope people read this to get an understanding of what I'm not only experiencing, but how someone might be feeling when they say they're depressed or mentions their anxiety. It's not to be blown off like it's some bullshit "feeling" or "excuse" when someone actually has the balls to voice how their head & heart enable methods that are slowly killing them from the inside. 

But hey, Dr. Strange defeated Dormammu, so there's hope for me against my universal sized mental entity. Right?


msdsmoss said...

You are Dr Strange! You are an amazing woman and I admire your strength and perseverance! Make your time loop and keep rising! I love you!

Helen said...

You are strong and I know you can get through day by day. My prayers go out to you and good vibes, thoughts and energy. If you ever need to vent, you got my number.