Where to begin...where to begin... this is an entirely different topic compared to what I normally post about.
My amazing husband and I have been together for five years, and married for a little over four. He's my best friend, my soul mate, my rock, and honestly, my everything. I couldn't imagine my life without him! Even though he's military, that's caused us be apart from one another for...hmmm..four weeks, tops. Yes, I realize I am VERY lucky & appreciate it DAILY. Any other time apart, which totals up to almost five months (EEEESH!), comes from me due to when I helped my Dad out when my Mom passed away, traveling back to the United States to visit friends / family..or when I do little trips around Europe with friends since Eric can't always get time off.
With that being said, we get asked A LOT about when we're going to have kids. It's almost like it's a staple in a marriage to have kids right away once you're married. At least, that's how it seems when you live in the military world. Everyone I know has at least two kids with another one on the way. We have my step son, John, who just turned fifteen years old. Now, I'll do the math for you: I just turned twenty nine last month while my husband is thirty four. He had John not too long after he turned nineteen, so that means I was fourteen when he was born. Imagine the looks I get when I'm out and about with him (I refer to John as my son, by the way), and people ask me if I was a teen mom. Er, no. I wasn't. I guess since John has pretty blue eyes like me, people think he's actually MINE MINE, which is fine since I do everything for him like a Mom would..he just doesn't have my DNA. I've even dealt with people calling me out by saying I'm NOT an actual Mom because I'm a step-mother, regardless of making personal sacrifices for the benefit of my (step)son. Fine..that's fine.
For a long time, I was VERY "ok" with not having any kids. I kept thinking to myself that I'm still really young and want to enjoy my life. There's still a lot of things that I want to do...and now I'm almost thirty. GASP. THIRTY. Sure, that's still "young" in terms of having a child..but come on, let's be honest..do you wanna have a young child when you're getting ready to retire? Nope. There's parts of me now thinking, "Should I have had a kid sooner? What if I can't get pregnant now? What about adoption? Would we even be able to adopt?"...which is usually followed by, "Oh my gosh, there'd be such a massive age gap between John and a baby....John's almost eighteen, why start all over again? Eric's about to retire from the Air Force, does he really want to deal with a baby during retirement?"...oh, ya know..just thinking about stuffs.
Other things start coming into play..like my weight. I've ALWAYS been overweight despite my efforts to lose it. Between watching my calories, exercising, dieting, and praying to the weight loss fairy..I've done anything and everything in order to lose weight. I realize that being over weight is definitely not a good thing when you're pregnant. My Dad is Diabetic and that's a MAJOR concern to me since I'm at risk of getting it as well. I'd shit a brick if I had gestational diabetes because I'm scared to death of needles. Not only is my weight a concern, but my back problems in addition to my severe migraine issues. My back is a problem more than anything and can become rather debilitating, especially when it comes to lifting things...so I can only imagine how bad it'd get during the third trimester, never mind picking up a newborn / baby / toddler. The migraines are life altering for me since they last for SEVERAL days at a time, even with medication. One of my major concerns would be that I couldn't take my meds while pregnant..so, I'd be in some serious agony from time to time without really getting any relief. And no, Excederine, Tylenol, Advil and Aleve don't help at all. That's like seeing a massive car wreck and asking if a little bit of touch up paint will make it better. It doesn't, just for reference.
So, we've talked about possibly having a surrogate.
In all honesty, I only know a very...very select few that I'd even trust with something like surrogacy, and even then, I couldn't even begin to ask them if they'd consider doing something like that for us. I don't like the idea of trusting someone else along the lines of carrying MY child. I guess it makes me feel helpless cause I can't control the situation...not like I could really control it if I was carrying him / her, but at least they'd be with ME. The whole cost of surrogacy is another thing.. it's expensive. Very..expensive. Just..blah.
Last but not least, there's adoption. I'm SO torn on it. On one hand, if we're wanting a child so badly..we can adopt one into a loving home. The only thing is, I'd want a baby...not a child..and I know that sounds horrible. I'd want a baby because it wouldn't have memories of how their life was before, especially if it came from a neglectful home. Then on the other hand, it makes me wonder how his / her parents were...was the mother healthy during the entire pregnancy? Are there any family medical problems that the child had inherited? Will I have to deal with an open adoption (which is something I WOULD NOT want)? Would I have to deal with the biological parenting fighting for their rights years down the road? Lots and lots of concerns pop up.
I dunno..just a lot swirls around in my head when it comes to this topic. We're on the fence about a lot of things, and we're not getting any younger. The main factor is our next base. If our next base is overseas, odds are, we won't have our own child. We don't want to deal with moving internationally with all of our dogs in addition to a very young child. Sure, I know PLENTY of military families do that..and that's fantastic for them, but I don't wanna go through that. I want to be planted in one spot where my kid can grow up with stability. If we end up moving back to the States after this base, there's a high chance we'll start possibly trying for a kid..but I'll be thirty one and I'm concerned about my ability to have not only a kid, but a healthy kid since my eggs will be older, plus, Eric will be thirty six at the time.
Ugh. Lots and lots of thoughts on my mind.
If you end up leaving a comment, please, no lectures. I'm really not up for it. It took a lot out of me to even put this out there. Thanks.
6 comments:
Woah! Did not see any of this coming. Always thought you were just against having a child of your own. Just know that whatever you are to decide I will support you 100% in any way I can! :)
I give you a lot of credit for posting about this, Erika. It sounds like you and your husband have very valid concerns. Only you two will know what's best for your family. I wish you nothing but the best with whatever you guys decide whenever that may be. :) xoxo
Have you talked with a doctor about your health concerns with you carrying a child? Some people actually get relief from everyday symptoms when they are preggers.
I think people who are surrogates are amazing people. They let their body grow your child and then they selflessly give it to you after it's born. Even with three kids of my own, I would have a hard time handing that baby over... lol. But you know me, I love kids!
Have you thought about international adoption? I've had a few friends who've done this because it's easier to adopt an infant this way.
Took a lot of guts to lay all this out there Erika! Lots to think about, but fate works in mysterious ways. The answer will just fall into your lap when you least expect it. Good luck!
Have you talk with a doctor about your medical concerns during pregnancy? A specialist may be about to work through your concerns with you.
Surrogates are amazing people in my book. I can't imagine carrying someone else's child and then handing it over after the birth. It is a very selfless act.
Have you looked into international adoption? I have had several friends adopt this way because it was easier to find an infant.
As far as age goes, have you looked around Belgie lately? Women have their children well into their 30s here. The chance to conceive does decrease with age, but early 30s shouldn't have too much trouble with it.
Fate works in mysterious ways though. The answer will fall in your lap when you least expect it. Good luck Erika!
Wow, so open and honest! I think if you want to have a child, youll find a way to make it work. And honestly, when you are 31...thats not that old! Lots of people older than that have children. I would say go get tested to see what your body is capable of, that way you know what your dealing with. And dont feel bad about wanting a baby and not a an older child. Those are natural wants. A child is the biggest blessing and I know youd be an incredible mom!!
For your bad back i highly recommend looking at electric beds - these adjust so that you can lie down comfortably easing the pain from your back
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