October 3rd, 2007

Two years ago today... I lost my mother to Pancreatic Cancer....

Even though it was two years ago, it still feels pretty fresh. I mean, I'm  turning twenty seven years old a month from tomorrow.. she was in my life for twenty four.. almost twenty five years.. so in a sense, two years is no time at all, right? Right.

The last few days as been somewhat rough for me considering I thought about where I was two years ago a few days before she passed away. I was making sure she had her morphine, dealing with a Hospice nurse who kept reminding me "She's GOING to die, you need to come to grips with that.", trying to comfort my Grandmother because not only was I losing MY mother, she was losing HER daughter. Just a week earlier, my Dad and I drove my mother to the "Queens of Heaven" cemetery for her to pick out her own plot... I mean... geezus. Talk about a real eye opener about the situation at hand, right? She insisted on the "family trip", despite it being rather gut wrenching.. at least it was something we all did together. The last time we did something together as a family, honestly, I don't remember.

God. This is hard..

I have to say.. I'm so unbelieveably grateful for my husband. If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't have been able to handle alot of what was going on. It was SO emotionally draining to come to grips that my Mom was going to die. Eric and I got married July 27th, 2007.  Shortly after we got married, I started driving back to Salinas every weekend to help my Dad and see my Mom. When time with her started to get short and her health was fading, I took a month off of work since it was more important to spend time with her. There was a point where I didn't see Eric for 3 weeks and I was going insane between the lingering feeling of unavoidable death and missing my husband. I managed to drive back to Vandenberg so I could see him for a weekend..the entire 3 hours on the road was a blur since my mind was else where. Honestly, I dont even remember how I made it from point A to point B. Anyway, I did fine for the first hour being home.. but I really needed to take a shower to try to relax. In the midst of taking the shower, it hit me like a ton of bricks that my Moms cancer isn't going away. This isn't a TV show where the doctors magically find a cure and it's a "close call" but she's back to 100%.  I essentially broke down and was sobbing uncontrollably to the point where I was hyperventilating. Eric came in and saw I was a complete wreck. Instead of saying, "It's going to be OK. It's going to be alright", he stepped into the shower while fully clothed in his uniform, and hugged me. I have NEVER cried so hard in my life. He stood there and held me while the shower was drenching him and just let me cry my eyes out. Even though he didn't say anything, that was the best thing he did that I NEEDED. I needed to just let it out and sob. Later the next day, I headed right back to Salinas since my Dad called to let me know my mom was getting worse.

A week later, she passed away.

Two years have gone by... I sit here in Belgium. I called my Dad to touch base with him to see how he's doing. Like me, this "anniversary" is hitting him harder than the one year mark of her passing. My Dad and I have always had a close relationship despite having a minor falling out when I was younger, but, we've gotten so much closer and have a clearer line of communication since she's passed.

Ever since she's passed, it's made me realize I need to appreciate the people I have in my life... you never know when they're going to leave.