Footing

Oh goodness...where do I even begin. 

*DEEP BREATH*

I haven't been too active lately when it comes to writing some beefy or interesting posts for my blog. Honestly, I've lost the desire to write. I don't want to really do a whole lot of anything anymore. Hell, I even gave up on my camera...I don't even know where it is..it's somewhere around here. Oh, and my home businesses...given those up as well. All three of them. Buh-bye. 

It feels like I've hit this imaginary wall of total bull shit and anxiety that I can't seem to move past...I dunno what it is. Actually, that's a lie. I know exactly what it is, but there's a whole lot of "nuthin" I can do about it. For the last several months, I've been fighting some serious depression which has made me feel like a shell of my former self. I don't want to go anywhere anymore, I talk to a very limited amount of people, I suck at getting back to people via email, I screen phone calls, and I have a ridiculous amount of anxiety when it comes to going anywhere near individuals I don't want to be around. 

I'm told "Oh, it's the weather that's making you feel this way". No, no it's not... it's the people. At my ripe age of twenty nine, I'm still learning that the only people you should rely on is family, and friends who are family. Over the last three and a half years, I've definitely learned who my friends are and who was a complete waste of time. I've learned who my true friends are, who is a friend out of convenience, and who has forced me into viewing them an enemy. It sucks, especially since this is somewhere where I've made fabulous memories with a variety of people...and I am now forced to wipe some them from the adventures. 

In my eyes, I'm a push over. I put up with peoples bullshit and lies for the sake of not causing waves. I get told that I'm "too nice". Is there something wrong with being nice and going with the flow? I'd rather invest my time with making memories, having laughs and all that other fun shit. But, apparently that's not how it goes...at least that's how it seems for this place. Where I was hoping to make a gaggle of new friends, I've made a few good ones...but others have showed me how sharp they keep their daggers when the time comes to plunge it in others backs. It's depressing and makes me wonder about myself.... THIS is the type of person I hang out with? What the fuck.. 

At this time, we have eight or nine months till it's time for us to move elsewhere. I'm excited all while nervous because, to be frank, I don't want to end up at another small base where women are catty bitches. It's a constant grind and emotionally draining. I don't want to put my self "out there" anymore..I'm perfectly content with what friends I have. I'm sure that probably sounds so "woo is me", but I've just had it. I've had enough with people lying to me, letting me down, falling through, flaking..oh the list goes on and on.....and on..

In addition with that weighing my heart down, I'm also addressing some health things that have made me wanna curl up in bed & not do anything. Since November, I've been in and out of the doctors office to figure out what's going on with some severe pains I've been experiencing in my stomach / intestines. Thanks to socialized medicine, it takes 10x longer to be seen, hear results, more blood work and all that fun shit! In March, I was rushed to the emergency room because I had a serious infection in my large and small intestines in which they took blood samples and did ultra sounds. Found nothing aside from the infection...yay? Once the infection is clear, the pains are still happening and causing extreme discomfort. Finally get an appointment to have a biopsy done (that happened in April) and I just got my results back on May 3rd. The doctor still can't find anything, but has decided to test me for Chrons disease, which frankly scares the shit out of me. So, between getting poked, stabbed, scanned, popping medications and avoiding anything with flavor..it's all wearing me down.

I'm twenty nine. Come on now. 

...I'm just trying to get my footing back.