Three.

Today is kind of a touchy day for me considering it's the 3 year mark of my mothers death. I originally typed "anniversary", but then replaced it with "mark" ... I consider the term "anniversary" a happy thing.. and her death isn't something I see as a positive moment in my life. I don't think anyone in their right mind would consider the loss of a parent as a happy thing.. well, unless they were a horrible horrible person. You know what I mean, right?

Anyway... I was going through pictures I have on my current laptop and I came across this:

This picture was taken on July 27th, 2007 over in Monterey, California. It's pretty significant to me considering that's the day Eric & I got married. Keep in mind, our actual wedding ceremony was planned for August 5th.. just a lil over a week later. We ended up getting married in Monterey since my Mom was too weak to make it to the ceremony location, which was in Las Vegas, Nevada. Her main request was that she wanted to see me get married, so that's why we got married in Monterey. The only people present were her, my Dad and Grandma. Pretty intimate little gathering.

Did I mention that my Mom wasn't able to make it to a single dress fitting? She was able to make it to the initial appointment where I picked my dress out, but not actually see me wear it. I'd drive up from Vandenberg to take her to her appointments in Standford (2 hours from my parents home..their home is 3 hours from Vandenberg)..then I'd take her home, then I'd head back to Capitola for my dress fitting (an hour and a half away). Lots of road time that she couldn't handle due to the nausea. The only time she actually saw me in my dress was when we streamed our wedding live over the internet  and my Dad set it up so she could watch it on the big screen in California.

When I look at the picture..all kinds of emotions come into play. I'm so grateful that she was able to make it, despite her being extremely weak from her chemo. See the fanny pack she's wearing? That's her morphine pump to control the pain due to her cancer. She was only able to stand for a few pictures and that drained her of her energy. After the ceremony, we walked over to Tarpy's for dinner (it's a nice Steakhouse that was right next door), and celebrated over there. The meal way amazing, but I couldn't help but notice that my Mom wasn't even eating. Her medication killed her appetite to the point where she could barely stomach water.

Sigh.

I guess what this blog post really comes down to is this... I miss my Mom. My Grandmother misses her Daughter. She had lost my Grandfather in 1996 and then lost my Mother in 2007. I don't think anyone should ever experience losing their child. Given.. when I think about the whole scheme of everything, I strongly believe my Uncle (the piece of crap, my Mom's half brother) should have been the one with cancer rather than her. Life is interesting like that, I suppose.

Damn, I sound bitter.